


Opus Draculae

by Yaoi_Hands



Series: Opus Draculae [1]
Category: Ancient Egyptian Religion, Day Job Orchestra, Dracula - Fandom
Genre: DJO, F/M, Horror, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Nonsense, Shakespearean Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:20:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26290282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yaoi_Hands/pseuds/Yaoi_Hands
Summary: Dramatis Personae; Prologue; Act 1, Scene 1. Sir Patrick Stewart and company set sail for Varna to begin their quest to kill the evil Count of Castle Dracula.
Relationships: Ian McKellen/Patrick Stewart, Patrick Stewart/Original Character
Series: Opus Draculae [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1910218
Kudos: 2





	Opus Draculae

**Author's Note:**

> This is a retelling of Dracula set in an alternate universe where Kemeticism, not Christianity, became the dominant religion of the West and the ancient Egyptian empire still persists. This work is heavily influenced by the comedy and nonsense of Day Job Orchestra. Also, Shakespeare.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

CHORUS

RUMOR

SIR IAN MCKELLEN, _a noble knight_

HUGH JACKMAN, _his berserker friend_

SIR CHRISTOPHER LEE, _a murderous vampire and Count of Castle Dracula_

SIR PATRICK STEWART, _gentleman and sea captain_

PETER CUSHING, _vampire hunter and occult scholar_

ANDRE WESSEX _, priest-consort of the goddess Hethert_

FRANCIS _, a cook_

AMUN-RA, HETHERT, SET, HERU, WESIR, ASET, SEKHMET, SOBEK, ANUP, _Egyptian deities_

SAILORS, DOCK WORKERS, TOWNSFOLK, TRAVELERS, GUARDS, ROMANI _and_ NOBILITY.

* * *

PROLOGUE.

_The great, vast forest._

_Enter_ CHORUS.

CHORUS: Alack! What dreadful turmoil hath beset

The timid countryside and its sanctity of peace.

O’er distant routes all do sigh and fret

As fears of marauding undeath do increase.

The grim, vile Count Dracula hath

Taken the lives of many at night.

His minions of evil on every path

Unto the little hamlet call’d Transvestite.

Whilst the rulers endlessly debate,

The Voivod Supreme plies strategy.

He sends two warriors to negotiate---

They who keep peace at behest of nobility.

In time so long ago begins our play,

In troubl’d Transylvania far, far away.

_[Exit._

* * *

ACT 1

SCENE 1.

_Aboard the man-of-war Enterprise._

_Enter_ Rumor.

RUMOR: Open your hearts; for which of you will stop

The vent of feeling when loud Rumor speaks?

Her flaming tongue with poison’d tip shall drop

Unrest from English seas to Carpathia’s peaks.

See how, by fellowship in contract,

Begins a crusade that shall your eyes amaze.

Enraging the Count with righteous acts

Good sport did make for Rumor’s cunning ways---

Inciting a terrible evil to respond

Now sets the game afoot on ev’ry side.

Thus shall I cause new worries to be spawn’d:

Hint of a dark force rising I’ll provide

Even till proud Wallachia longeth for

Protection from some unknown, looming threat.

Replete with fear, each heart shall be full sore

Ere I have ceas’d the worry I beget.

Quick now, and let this merry play begin---

Unveil the evil’s full prehistory!

E’en groundlings, waiting weeks to be let in,

Look forward to the wonders they shall see.

Starts now what you have long’d for, sans delay:

Attend---an undead master comes anon!

Ye shall be pull’d into our clever play,

Ears, hearken to this story that doth dawn.

_[Exit._

* * *

_Enter_ SIR IAN, SIR PATRICK, _and_ HUGH JACKMAN.

SIR IAN: Land! Finally, after weeks at sea, we’ve reached this cursed land!

SIR PATRICK: Yes, and not a moment too soon, either.

SIR IAN: Do you think the Pope will be there?

SIR PATRICK: I doubt it, but if bowling for foreskins is what you’re after, then I shall oblige!

SIR IAN: Shall you ever! I’m looking to win back that stash you stole from me.

SIR PATRICK: Stole?! I won them fair and square.

SIR IAN: Indeed. Who knew Bocce would be an unfair game while on the high seas?

HUGH: Huzzah! In Australia, we whack them with dildos from the backs of dingoes.

SIR PATRICK: Hmm, now that’s an idea! Do players drink horse jism beforehand?

HUGH: Sadly, not anymore, but drinking at least two liters of prune juice is a requirement for any serious tournament.

SIR IAN: Yes, why is that, exactly?

HUGH: I don’t know, honestly. I always assumed it was for the love of shitting on a dingo’s back.

SIR IAN: And who wouldn’t, am I right?

SIR PATRICK: Yes, indeed. Few things compare to the pleasure of feeling a dingo’s bristly fur rim one’s asshole.

HUGH: Hear, hear! No better lubricant for Aussie polo.

SIR IAN: Yes, well, back to the task at hand. What do we know of this Varna?

SIR PATRICK: It’s a large port town on the Bulgarian coast, home to addicts, pushers and not an insignificant number of Thai hookers. In short, it’s your kind of place, Ian!

SIR IAN: That’s good to hear. I could use a little recreation after this long journey at sea. Do you know of any good brothels, Patrick?

SIR PATRICK: Why, yes. There’s this one place that lets you snort cocaine off a meaty wang. In each nostril! Another option is to snort it out of an old man’s foreskin.

SIR IAN: Splendid! You know, they used to call me Johnny Two-Cocks during my time in the States for just that very reason.

HUGH: Really? My time was less glorious over there. I made my money doing nude musicals all the while having umbrellas hanging from my schlong.

SIR PATRICK: How did you manage to stay hard for such a long period of time?

HUGH: They give you these little blue pyramid pills that keep you hard for about four hours or so.

SIR PATRICK: Oh yes, those. My first girlfriend used to take them.

SIR IAN: You never told me that.

SIR PATRICK: Indeed, it must’ve slipped my mind. We used to play this game where I would sit on the head of her cock, curl up into a fetal position and slowly spin around like a drill.

SIR IAN: Oh, my! That sounds like quite the good time.

SIR PATRICK: Indeed, quite. The best times were when she’d stand up while I was still spinning. To go from vertical, like that, to horizontal…it was simply amazing. Once, I even passed out!

HUGH: What happened then?

SIR PATRICK: Oh, she’d just dig in and flop me around like a ragdoll until I came to. Banged my head on a table more than once.

SIR IAN: Oh, Patrick, you silly boy. That does explain a few things.

_[They all chuckle together._

HUGH: So, what was the name of this broad?

SIR PATRICK: Mistress Caligula or Cali, for short. Ah, those were the days…

_[Enter ANDRE WESSEX_

ANDRE: Good dawning to thee, sweet friends! What cheer?

SIR PATRICK: Ah, Andre! Hello and good news. The port of Varna is within sight. We should arrive inside of an hour.

SIR IAN: Good morning to you, Andre. I trust you’ve slept well.

HUGH: Andre, always a pleasure. _[Nods._

ANDRE: O summer’s day! I’m o’er-wrought with rapture’s very heart. Some excellent fortune, indeed!

SIR IAN: We all share in your enthusiasm, my friend. Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I have need to ready my things.

HUGH: Not a bad idea. I think I’ll follow suit.

_[SIR IAN and HUGH exeunt._

ANDRE: Good captain, what dost thou perpend of the sojourn that layeth ahead of us?

SIR PATRICK: To be honest, Andre, I’m not sure. After we hit port, my first mate will take the Enterprise back to Portsmouth and won’t return for some time. From Varna, we’ll take the train straight to Targu Mures in Transylvania. From there, we’ll arrange transportation to Bran and from there, to Transvestite.

ANDRE: I fear, too early: for my mind misgives some consequence yet hanging in the stars shall bitterly begin this fearful quest, but She, that hath the steerage of my course, direct my sail! On, lusty goddess.

 _[Exeunt_


End file.
